


Sunshine All The Time Makes A Desert

by youmakemyheartgosuperwhee



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Drabble, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 16:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5463665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youmakemyheartgosuperwhee/pseuds/youmakemyheartgosuperwhee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt is having trouble managing his own mental health and Blaine opens up about his past struggles in order to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sunshine All The Time Makes A Desert

**Author's Note:**

> A few things before I can let you go on and read this;  
> \- The name of this is actually an amazing Arab proverb, and I do not claim to have come up with it  
> \- I have no experience with the medication mentioned in this story. I don't have experience with any type of medication for neither of these mental health issues mentioned, so I do apologize for any errors there may be. Google has helped me, but anything it might have left out or not provided me with I apologize for.  
> I, however, do have experience of the issues themselves, anxiety more so. Having this partly based on my experiences, writing this has above all been therapy for me (very much like Never Gonna Leave This Bed). I have many times said that I write in order not to go insane, and this is especially following that line of thought. This helps me deal with the anxiety stuff and being able to share it with people is really great.
> 
>  
> 
> Now feel free to go ahead and read. I hope you enjoy :) x

The door opened and closed right after, causing the loud click to echo through the entire hall. 

Blaine shut his laptop, which on he was doing absolutely nothing important on - holiday themed Buzzfeed quizzes mostly, and looked in the direction of the door. 

The sight of Kurt's back and a sniffling sound made Blaine get up and walk to his fiancé, who had still to take his snow-covered coat off.

"Hi." Blaine softly greeted him. He turned around and leaned in to kiss him.

"Hi." Kurt said distantly, getting himself out of his coat and scarf and layers of clothing required for the cold December weather. 

"So, how was the psychiatrist?" 

Kurt buried his face in his hands and sighed. He was silent for what felt like an excruciatingly long moment for Blaine before taking a deep, shuddering breath and shaking his head. "I-"

Blaine took Kurt's hand and walked him to the dinner table, making him sit down. Blaine sat down beside him and drew tiny little circles on the inside of his wrist with his fingertips whilst he gathered up his thoughts. 

He could see the anxiety in Kurt's features and hear it in the way he took unsure breaths of air after another to calm himself down. He could see it and hear it and feel it and yet, he could do nothing about it. Blaine considered that the second most unfair thing in the world, right after his husband-to-be having to struggle with the things that he struggled with.

"She, uhm, said she would prescribe me - I guess it was Xanax." Kurt said, swallowing what could've been shards of glass if he didn't know any better.

"Isn't that good?" Blaine asked gently, pulling his chair a little bit closer to Kurt. 

Kurt looked up, right back straight into Blaine's eyes that were dripping with tenderness and compassion. He inhaled, shrugging his shoulders, feeling tears forming in his eyes. 

Blaine leaned in enough to be able to wrap both of his arms around Kurt's upper body, pressing his head gently on his shoulder. The circles from inside of his wrist traveled to his back now, as Blaine drew them there with his hands. 

Suddenly something that Blaine had almost forgotten about came crashing to him. Well, he couldn’t really say that he had forgotten about it. He had tried to, though. And boy had he truly tried to. He had tried to deny it from himself as well as loved ones, and he had tried to act like he had forgotten, but truth is he definitely hadn't. 

"I actually took that when I was twelve." He said, unintentionally quietly. 

This was something Blaine had never brought up in conversation before, and never told anyone aside from his parents and brother, who he practically didn’t even tell that to. They automatically knew because they were his family and he lived with them at the time. But Blaine remembered being so ashamed of even the most important people in his life knowing. The people who had raised him and he’d grown with. Just needing and getting help in a way like that all of a sudden caught him off guard. He never did even think of needing help to begin with. 

He had always been one of those kids who seemed to be smiling even when they had branches sticking out of their limbs from playing a bit of an intense game of hide and seek.  
He didn’t really ever lose the excitement of finding a ladybug on the ground and managing to capture it in his hands - until he did, and that was when he was diagnosed with depression. 

The eleven year old Blaine himself barely knew what was going on. In sessions with psychiatrists he was always explained the things about his illness very gently and child-kindly. He was never told that the sensations of not wanting to do anything and have interest in nothing could be extremely crippling. Neither was he ever told that where before he would’ve gotten up at 8.30 am every Saturday morning and go run around outside with his friends, now the anxiety he was feeling was stopping him from doing that. 

Then he got the medication and for a few days, it was worse than ever. The sixth grader Blaine didn’t leave his room on those few days. When the days passed, everything somehow magically got almost back to normal. Almost.  
Only his passion for being in front of a crowd died for almost three years. He had somehow gained the worst case of stage fright with the gloominess and medication and psychiatrist visits, and to this day that was what stuck with him the hardest from all his saddest childhood years. 

"I had severe depression from ages eleven to fifteen." He explained, somehow managing to make Kurt's wet and sad eyes even wetter and sadder. "I have never really told anyone." Blaine added, wiping his eyes quickly before lacing his fingers through Kurt's hair. 

Kurt looked up to him and sniffled again, breaking his heart just a little bit more.

"No, don't." Blaine almost whispered, pressing his lips to Kurt's hairline. 

"I- Blaine, how come I never knew any of this?"

"I truly haven't told anyone. Ever. I never did say a word. My parents knew, of course. And Cooper did, too. But that's that. All of three people in the world knew." He said, voice undesirably shaky.  
"Now four." He smiled a bit weakly, watching his fiancé’s eyes go just barely noticeably brighter.

"Thank you, for telling me." Kurt said quietly, steadying Blaine's face with his hand and kissing him butterfly-like lightly. 

Blaine took a deep breath. Now it only felt right to tell him the entire truth. "I also took it last year, after we broke up." 

Kurt raised his eyes from his lap and blinked several times. "You did?" His voice was barely audible, but audibly on the verge of cracking. 

"Yeah." He said, quiet and shaky. 

"For how long?" 

"For about two months."

Blaine was trying his absolute hardest to stay completely calm about it, to not freak out Kurt any more than he already was before he said a word, because that was not his purpose. His purpose was to show Kurt how okay it was to get help in that way, that he knew what he was dealing with. But despite all his trying, it was hard. With Kurt’s sad eyes reflecting his own unnecessarily sad ones he couldn’t help feeling like he had messed up. 

“Wh-“ 

“I was stuck in the same way as when I was little. I noticed that; I noticed losing appetite, I noticed I spent more time in bed than on my feet and- I didn’t sing for weeks. That’s when I really woke up and saw what was going on.” 

“You experienced all that when we-“

Blaine sighed, nodding. “When I was first diagnosed with severe depression eight years ago, I stopped singing. I stopped performing and I stopped, I guess just being myself, because performing is and always has been such a massive part of me. Last year, the same happened. And I found myself noticing that very quickly. It was just the exact same pattern as years and years ago. Depression came along and took from me what brought me most joy. ”

“And after you finished taking it?” Kurt asked, placing both of his hands on Blaine’s shoulders.

“I got better. I returned to songwriting and I spent most of my time by the piano or looking after my mom’s cat.” He chuckled, not taking his eyes off of Kurt’s. “And she told me something that really, really stuck with me.”

“What is that?” 

“Sunshine all the time makes a desert. That’s what happened to me, Kurt. Whereas I was just an overly joyous kid and that turned out to be my problem, denying the problems and faking the sunshine can be just as bad. And Kurt, if I have a say in it, I won’t let that happen to you. The medication IS a good thing. It’s a great thing, and I am here for you to show you that and help you in any way you need me to.”

A tear rolled down Kurt’s cheek as he leaned forward to hug Blaine. He tied his arms around him tight but gentle and rested his head on his chest. They stayed there for a while, collecting their thoughts and loading their batteries together. 

“I love you so much.” Kurt breathed out, pressing a kiss to his collarbone where he had the best access to. 

Blaine kissed the top of Kurt’s head, wiping away his own tears sneaking up on him. “I love you too.”

“I know it’s only 3 pm, but I also know that this day has been quite an emotionally exhausting one. How does sleep sound?” Blaine asked softly, taking both of Kurt’s hands in his.

“Sounds amazing.”


End file.
